Healthy Penis at Bat!OK, those who know me know that I love jokes, and naturally a lot of jokes are based on sex. Now, since sex is what this blog is all about I thought it only natural that I occasional post a sex related joke.

The one that you are about to read is a really old one that I had completely forgotten about, until I got it in an email that is.  I must admit I had always wonder how Tarzan and Jane first got it all together and considering Tarzan’s habitat this could be quite conceivable.Anyway, it was titled;

SAFE SEX!

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

‘Tarzan not know sex.’ he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ‘Oh ….Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.’

Horrified Jane said, ‘Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.’

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. ‘Here,’ she said, pointing to her privates, ‘you must put it in here.’

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed,

‘What did you do that for?’

Tarzan replied, ‘Check for squirrel !!!’

Naturally we all know that if we really want safe sex we should wait until marriage but most people don’t.  For those I would suggest they use a condom, perhaps they will find one to their liking in the Trojan, Durex, and Crown Condoms 36 Condom Variety PackHealth Care Products)


sex toys

I was thinking about this the other day and I was wondering what sort of reaction I would get from people if I was to ask them this question while they were going about their daily business. I can just imagine the look of shock on some people faces whilst others merely giggled.

Naturally this can’t be a simple yes or no answer. It would all depend on what caused the marital problems. Now, if the marital problems was of a sexual nature then perhaps one could assume that the right sexual aids could help to bring a husband and wife together.

Perhaps it would make more sense if we were to think beyond the premise that sex aids consist purely of sex toys such as vibrators, DSC01213I’m Not Getting Enough Sex What Can I Do I wrote about certain things a man could do that would make his wife more open to his amorous intentions. It’s quite possible in certain situations that this alone could strengthen a marriage before it reached the point of no return.

I also wrote a post, Introducing Sexual Aids To The Relationship, where I wrote about ways they could be introduced into a relationship where one couple may be a little hesitant about it. There’s also a couple of good books that some of you may like to read.

  1. The Adventurous Couple’s Guide to Sex Toys
  2. Sex Toys 101: A Playfully Uninhibited Guide

Personally though, I feel that there may be instances where couples may need more than just books and instructions and in these situations if couples are open to explore other avenues then perhaps there is a place for sexual aids in cementing a loving relationship.

I reckon it’s pretty safe to say that not all women like to give blow jobs. Of those that do not all women are willing to let the male ejaculate into their mouth and of those that do not all women are willing to swallow the semen. The problem is that most men like blow jobs and so the question is what can a bloke do that would increase his chance of getting one?

Perhaps some of the answers lie in another question.

What’s stopping some women from giving blow jobs?

Could ignorance be a factor? Perhaps not ever having given one they do not want to be seen as being inept at it or are scared that they will get it all wrong? Naturally us blokes don’t mind taking the teacher role but we may never get the chance until we can remove the fear factor.

Perhaps introducing an instructive video, something like How to Give A World-Class Blow Job will do the trick? After all this is something that you can watch together and imagine the fun trialing out some of the techniques? Then again you may want to get some books on the subject. Two that come to mind include, Unzipped: How to Give the Perfect Blow Job and Going Down: An Illustrated Guide to Giving Him the Best Blow Job of His Life.

Naturally it’s not all about you so while it’s probably be a good idea to get a copy of  The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus: How to Go Down on a Woman and Give Her Exquisite Pleasure (Ultimate Guides Series) so that you can learn a few things about how to please her.

I’m Not Putting That Thing In My Mouth…You Pee With It!

I imagine that some women knowing that the penis is used to urinate equate the whole putting in the mouth idea as being unsanitary. If that is the case it’s essential that we make sure we keep it in pristine condition making sure it’s as clean as humanly possible.

If this comes out in conversation it’s a good idea to assure he that you shake every drop after urinating so that there is no chance of any pee going into her mouth. You could even shower together so that she see it’s all nice and clean.

If she feels that way about your penis she may very well feel the same about her vagina, so perhaps during your next session, as part of your foreplay, you may want to go down on her, proving that you have no qualms about her love juice.

Whatever you do though don’t use the ‘I did you now you do me’ routine as that just shows what an insensitive bastard you are. Give her all the time she needs and she will love you all the more for it.

It Tastes Awful

OK, while some women like it others may not. You may be thinking that there isn’t all that much you can do about the taste, I know that’s what I originally thought, but what if there was something that a bloke could do that would improve the taste? It seems feasible, I mean I’ve heard if you put crushed garlic in your socks you would have garlic breath in a matter of minutes, and mothers have to be careful of what they eat or drink as it could affect their breast milk. So why couldn’t there be something a man can take that would improve the taste of his semen?

Enter Yummy Cum which is supposed to be stacked full of potent fruit extracts and natural anti oxidants. Apart from improving your overall health it’s also supposed to dramatically improve the flavor, sweetness and smell of your cum.

Now I can’t vouch for this because I’ve never tried it, but I can see the potential if it works exactly as the manufacturer says it does. Even if you’re already getting blow jobs imagine the surprise on her face if you surprised her by taking Yummy Cum and giving her a new taste sensation.


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satisfied woman

Some say the problem with a lot of men is that they are selfish lovers, they’re only interested in fulfilling their sexual needs and not that of their partner. Is this part of the man’s psyche? After all most media portray men as tough, aggressive, competitive and as having the need to be winners. You see movies where the sole reason for man’s being is the conquest of all hurdles they come across including women.

These same movies may portray house chores as being woman’s work and that alone is man’s greatest downfall because they expect women to do all the housework and be at a man’s beck and call when their sexual urges need satisfying. In my post I’m Not Getting Enough Sex What Can I Do? I set certain rules that men should follow if they would to get a little more time in the sack.

If a man really wants to please a woman they need to know that while we can get a hard on almost instantaneously it takes a woman a lot longer to get aroused. There are many books out there that claim to teach men how to please a woman and I find surprising how a lot of them are written by men, as if a man would ever really know how a woman thinks. ;) Personally I think if you want to know what makes a woman tick you need to ask a woman, and keeping that in mind I’ve sourced a few books and DVD’s that you may find illuminating.

That last book was something that I threw in, a book that couples may find interesting as;

Smoldering Embers is a brilliant and exciting book that offers monogamous couples tools to keep the spark alive and the fire burning in their relationships. These powerful tools come in the form of erotic stories and sex tips. Each story takes place between a loving and passionate couple and serves not only as a source of physical arousal, but also promotes new ideas and techniques for a couple to incorporate into their sexual repertoire. Each sex tip is focused on deepening the sexual experience as a couple. The two together provide you with an enticing menu of sex tips, techniques, and secrets guaranteed to keep the sizzle, passion and excitement alive in your relationship.

Keep the Fire Burning in Your Relationship Ignite Passion and Excitement Learn How to be a Fantastic Lover Discover New and Exciting Ideas and Techniques Rediscover a Sense of Playfulness and Adventure Improve Intimacy and Communication Create a Satisfying and Successful Sexual Relationship Stimulate Arousal and Desire Intensify Orgasms

Smoldering Embers will help couples open up and explore their sexuality as a couple and develop a successful sexual relationship that will continue to grow deeper, more passionate, exciting, and satisfying within the context of love and monogamy.
About the Author
Cynthia Perkins, M.Ed., is a writer and sex educator/advisor specializing in sexual intimacy and erotic communication between couples to keep the fire and passion alive. She holds a Bachelors degree in Psychology and a Masters degree in Counseling.

DSC_0557
Image by alainkun via Flickr

Have you ever wondered if there are women somewhere on this planet of ours who respect that extra male appendage men have? There’s more that one woman who’s said they didn’t need a penis but I’m here to tell you that there are those who more than just give the penis it’s due respect, in fact they actually worship it.

I’m referring to those involved in the Kanamara Matsuri festival, otherwise known as the Festival of the Steel Phallus! This is an annual Shinto fertility festival held in Kawasaki Japan during the spring of each year. Oh, and girls, if you thought your guys were well hung, man you haven’t seen anything until you see what these women worship, and if you are ever down there don’t forget to buy your very own penis shaped lol lipop!

Gee, talk about getting mixed messages, no wonder us guys are so bloody confused about what to say and do in front of a woman. Just to commemorate this special festival I decided to write a little poem called;

‘The Snake In My Pants.’

The snake in my pants has a mind of his own
On many an occasion this has been shown
He may hang to the left or maybe to the right
Beware if he pops out you may get a fright

It bothers me that I have no control
It always tries to achieve it’s own goal
No matter what I try and do or think
That damn snake will refuse to shrink

Even when it was time to take a leak
One had to take care or they would shriek
No more than two shakes was the saying
More than two and you would be playing

I am forced to sit and grin and smirk
Or if I must stand, out comes the shirt
I must try to hide the bulge that shows
Or my face turns red and really glows

I know what makes it act like this
It’s hoping that I may sneak a kiss
Pick up a hot girl to take to bed
So he can bury the exposed head

Ah but his master has high morals
Way too much for this snakes laurels
Many an occasion he thought me a freak
So many that all he could do was weep

Then came a time when I would marry
No more in the pants did he have to tarry
As the years went on things would change
She would think my sexual urges so strange

So in the end he still hangs there
Balls for friends, poking through hair
Sometimes to the left, or to the right
Never quite happy with his plight

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